so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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