I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
