Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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