He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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