I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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