can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize