My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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