you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
