Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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