I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
