how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize