My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
