I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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