I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
