We won't sleep together?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
