Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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