respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
