..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
