i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
