I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
