Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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