so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize