Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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