Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
