Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
