I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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