Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
