im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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