i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
