I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize