There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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