he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
