She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
