Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
