I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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