I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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