I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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