the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
