I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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