if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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