I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
