Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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