Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
