don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
