Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
