Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
