Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
