Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
