my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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