I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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