We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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