I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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