Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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