i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
