so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
