One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
