alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
